Life is not easy really. And nobody says it is easy. And the question of heart, if remains unanswered will lead to an insatiable and unfulfilled dream, of which may guide us to nowhere and eventually, we are led to believe that we are already in our destination realm which is full of mirage where the inexistence of the quintessential quality of life prevails.

World since its creation has changed so much. And we, humankind, being part of the world, have also unprecedentally evolved. The abundance of alternatives and choices of life often make us ‘rambang mata’ that we, for most of the time would rather make decisions in a very hasty way by following the choice of our own bare eyes and the choice of the majority. Whilst fearing that we will miss the flow, we hastily follow the herd.

More often than not, we would just go with the flow, without even giving the slightest look at the path that is less taken by the mass. We are so damn scared of being perceived as an outlier to the flock.

I am one of the outliers really. And I just could not be grateful enough for the fact that in so many decisions that I made during this green age of my life, I did not even once make decisions just for the sake of following others. I am not saying that others are wrong and I am the only sane person on earth. It is just that whatever best for others might not be the best for me, vice versa.

During my secondary school, for quite a number of times, my fellow colleagues posed me the question on the reason for me changing streams from science to the so called sastera class. And only God knows why, I just could not be articulative enough to relay this message to them. And somehow, I think that we (as there are three of us that changed class) have proven to them that it was at our best interest that we changed class and not so much of evading the rigorousness of the so called science subjects. One has won the world’s best result for ACCA exam at his young age of 20, one has won Sime Darby scholarship and scored first class degree at IIU, and the other one who is considered as the most mediocre as compared to the former two managed to won the best first year student award albeit him f*cking up his penultimate and final year.

It just came to my realisation last month that the perception of being an outlier that makes some people shying away from me. I am an unusual person, who cannot obtrusively and publicly shows that he takes care of others very well, whose mouth will swear for whatever lackadaisical attitude that crossed him, who takes time to reminisce and recalibrate his heart that often rolls back and forth, who, albeit at a lower dose, sometimes smokes whenever he feels distraught, who needs small amount of special quality time of silence only for himself, who values his time so much that he actually dislike texting message but phone call, who values friends that literally lending him their shoulder and money whenever he feel distressed, both emotionally and financially.

Having forsaken others as well as being dumped for quite a number of times, I finally come to my conclusion that serious relationship is just another hindrance of life. I may sound selfish, but after so many years of being an outlier, who but God knows that for the time being, this might be another best thing for me.